Addiction of the Sweetest Kind
I'm burning here,
Fading away,
Between your fingers,
Your first today,
Your lips touch me,
And take me in,
A part of me dies,
I start to wear thin,
I'll stand and watch,
As i fall apart,
Like the sand of sand castles,
When the tide starts,
Now im just ash,
Blowing down the street,
Like the cigarette butt,
You crushed under your feet.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
ahola!
okay, first let me say this. i liked it. but i agree with above statements in the fact that it is tending to be a little vague. which is good because it allows the reader to apply it to there own life. however, it doesnt allow for the bigger picture to be seen. word choice was nice but i would enjoy reading more wordplay. the king of lyrical wordplay is jason mraz singer and song writer. google search the song "wordplay" and that should give you a better understanding of what im aiming for.
secondly, periods. period. period. after each statement:::: commas are very nice. and im not one for grammar but tacky grammar (eww).
welcome btw. i have been on in a while and looks like you just joined this november. correct. could be wrong i have looked at lots of profiles since i've been on.
good luck in everything you do;;;;
nightmare.
Awk shucks. I'm the second person to comment. Hehe. But back to the poem. It's alright, not life changes or completely orginal but there's some good ideas intertwined.
Another thing, you told rather than showed. Cardinal sin in poetry. It just read a little ranty for me to enjoy or contemplate it afterwards.
The imagery about the cigarette but at the end is good though. Quite graphic, quite raw. Great stuff.
Eimear
Interesting, but it definitely needs a little work. And, YAY! I'm the first one to comment on the poem! Sorry, it's just always funto be first
. But, anyways, it's a little vague and unclear when you start to talk about part of you dieing and how it's getting to the part where you are crushed underfoot. You should lengthen that part out. Draw it out a little longer. Then, you need to make it longer in all the areas, but that was the main one. Very good poem, though. I enjoyed it a lot. 0(o.o)0